GREEN-LIGHT revolution

“Lord, give to me a quiet heart
That does not ask to understand,
But confident steps forward in
The darkness guided by Thy hand.”
– Elisabeth Elliot

Oh dearest sisters, I have so many things that I want to share with you, and I’m having a hard time sticking to one subject every time I’ve sat down to begin this post. So bear with me… I feel ramblings coming on this week.

How my world has changed since the last time I shared with you all on Greenlight. For us here in Joplin, our lives are the tornado now. Everything is the tornado. You can’t drive anywhere without seeing it, talk to anyone without hearing it, and in turn bringing it up yourself as well. Fear is a real thing most of the time now. BUT thanks be to God our Redeemer! Oh, if it was not for Him I surely would fall. There have been many hard lessons that have come out of the tornado, and I praise God for them. So to begin my posts this week, I just want to share some of my heart, and what God is showing me through what I’ve seen.

There are certainly a lot of things I have been seeking to understand lately. With so much chaos around me and in my heart, it is so easy for me to stand bewildered- trying to make my mind understand fears deep in my heart. How is it that solid steel can be crumpled like a paper clip? How is it that we can get lost in our own city streets now, because we no longer can recognize where we are because of the ruble? “The orange X’s are on the doors to show that they’ve checked already to see if anyone is dead inside.” How did this sentence get into our vocabulary? Why are some lives spared, and others are not? I certainly don’t understand a lot of things that have happened.

But the striving to understand is the very root of the lesson God has been teaching me. He is showing me that He leads me, and that He is good. When I linger on the fears in my heart, the truth is that I’m really doubting and fearing His goodness. But when I linger on the goodness of His character, my soul can be quiet- knowing that He works all things for my good. His goodness does not only apply to me because of the uncertainty of my world after the tornado- His goodness applies to me for the rest of my life. When I am scared of the future- His goodness doesn’t change. When I get impatient in this season of singleness- His goodness doesn’t change. ALL things can be counted as blessing then when trusting that His character is good, and that He only has good things for me.

“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation…” –Philippians 4:12

The truth of the unchangeable goodness of His heart is where my confidence is to step forward into uncertainty- trusting that in every situation, and in all things His goodness remains firm.

Going green,
Miss.

When I was thinking of what to write I came up with three different things I’ve been struggling with: home, provision, future.

Home: what is home? A location? A people? “where the heart is”? “where you hang your hat”? I’ve always said “Home isn’t where you are, It’s who you’re with.” My current home location is back under my parents’ roof. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fantastic to be with the fam again. To not have to pay for housing or food. To not have to think about textbooks for a while. And I love my family. It’s great to have all of our quirky personalities at the dinner table again… it’s been a long time. But… I will say it’s hard to feel independent living in my parents’ basement without a car having to work around all the family schedules and ask permission for everything like I’m 16 again.

Provision: Heading home for my summer break about a month ago, my transmission went out in my car. Since there were several other things wrong with it, it was decided that it was not worth it to pay that much to fix it. That left me home with my parents for the summer looking for a summer job. This has been somewhat unsuccessful. Taco Bell has been the most promising though nothing is final yet. And I need money for textbooks, tuition, a car, among other things.

Future: I have been to a couple of parties lately that have me thinking about my relationships and the future. I have noticed myself the only single girl in a room several times. It didn’t used to bother me, but it is becoming increasingly more common for me to notice my singleness in a room of friends where I didn’t used to. I find myself trying to find other singles and not knowing what to do with myself otherwise. It makes me wonder when I when I’ll find love, or when it’ll find me, I guess.

In these three problems, Home, Provision and Future, I have found the issue is faith. Where is my faith? What am I trusting in? My independence? My bank account? Humanity? All of those things fail, fade, fall short. If these things have been what I’ve been leaning on, hoping in, trusting… it’s no wonder I can’t find peace!

I’ve been reading in Genesis lately and Abraham’s story has been very insightful. He was promised a son. It took years for God’s promise to come to fruition. Abram lost sight of the promise several times, asked God “How?” reminding God of Abram’s own limitations.

“He took him outside and said, “Look up at the sky and count the stars—if indeed you can count them.” Then he said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” ⁶ Abram believed the LORD, and he credited it to him as righteousness.” Genesis 15:5-6 (NIV)

God had to take Abram out of his little box, give him a new perspective. Almost as if to say, “Thanks for reminding Me of your limitations. Let Me remind you what I am capable of.”

God is so much bigger than the box I’ve put Him in, like my problems aren’t worthy of His time. Or He’s not worthy of mine. I am horribly wrong on either account.

Lord, Forgive my unbelief. Renew my faith in the BIG God that you are. You created the universe, you have given me everything I have, your Love has brought me life. Thank you for caring about little ol’ me. Help me remember how great are you, God. Amen

Going green,

Jenny

Last night I picked up my dad and step-mom from the airport. I've been staying out at their house for the last week, while they've been vacationing in the Florida Keys. (I know right? When can I go?!)

Conversation over dinner turned deep, and I had the opportunity to say some things to my dad's face that I never fully have. The heart of it all being, "Dad, I love you and respect you very much." In that moment, I realized how many times I had thought the words that I was sharing, but had never actually looked my father in the eye and said them . There have been many times even, when I have shared with someone else my feelings and thoughts about my dad and the example that he was to our family growing up; but yet, for one reason or another (and there are some) had not looked him in the eye and expressed to him just exactly how I felt.

To say the least, it was an intimate moment. And I realized how meaningful my words and the expression of my feelings were to the heart of my father. This was evidenced by the tears that were shed. One thing was obvious: my dad loves me very much, and my heart-felt words brought him deep joy.

I realize how often it is that I think things about God, and I share things I love about Him with others... but when it comes down to my own relationship with Him, I struggle to tell him face-to-face and heart-to-heart, "God, my Father, I love you and I respect you very much." It's not a wonder that sometimes I feel a lack of intimacy or feel my relationship with God is based on my works alone.

I ask God, "Why did You send Jesus on my behalf?" And I hear, "Because I love You" ...but I often don't take it to heart, and my response to His precious words is often indirect.

I felt a deep intimacy after directly sharing my heart with my dad the other night, because I saw how much it meant to him. I understand in a greater way how much I mean to him as his daughter, and I understand in greater way just how he feels about me.

I long for this sort of intimacy with my eternal Father. I'd like to tell Him, the God of Heaven and Earth who loves me with an everlasting love, just exactly how I feel. It's time to be direct.

Going Green,
blogger bek