GREEN-LIGHT revolution

I've struggled with knowing exactly how to end this series of thoughts on my experiences with God exposing sin & lies in my heart. I want to look to the future; to what my life might look like as I continue to walk hand-in-hand with God into new freedoms and deeper revelation of the identity He's given me. But the truth is, only God really knows what the future holds. However, I've learned some things along the way that I think give me a pretty good idea of what I can expect to some degree. Here are some things that I know:

- God doesn't change. He's the same yesterday, today and forever (James 13:8 ESV). If He's been faithful, trustworthy, determined, powerful and kind to me in the past, then I can be sure that He will continue to be those things in the future.

- There are a lot of things about God that are a mystery to me. However, I've never known Him to be elusive, unknowable, or vague. Anytime that I sit and listen to Him, He's faithful to show me more of who He is, what He's doing and what part He wants me to play in it.

- God likes to make promises. He is very capable of doing everything He says He will and has every intention of following through on His word. He's given me some pretty outstanding promises both in His written word (i.e. Jeremiah 29:11-14, Deuteronomy 31:8, Hebrews 7:25, and on and on) and in the words He speaks to me personally.

- God is who is says He is: "The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness..." (Exodus 34:6 ESV). That mercy, grace, patience, faithfulness and unwavering love make up the foundation on which I stand throughout every situation.

- My sin, my compliant and active rebellion against God - past, present, and future - has been pardoned. My debt wasn't just cancelled; it was fully paid by the blood of Jesus. That blood was valuable. It wasn't all that valuable to me at the time because I was dead. But it was valuable to God and He agreed to accept that precious sacrifice as payment for my life. This is a reality I can't dwell on enough, and one I can't act on enough. Why would I ever take God's exposure of my sin and pain as malicious acts of vengeance? The vengeance has already been taken out on Jesus. He exposes sin in my life out of love: a deep and jealous love for the life He bought at a very high price.

So, in short, I know that God never makes a hole in my heart by uprooting a lie or a sin without then filling it with His presence. He never exposes what's in me without also exposing what's in Him. And that's really the most important thing I need to know about my future.

Going Green,
Samantha

God is so amazingly patient and kind. Here I was standing face to face with my Rescuer, my Knight on a white horse come to free me from captivity and what happens? I freeze up from spiritual Stockholm Syndrome.

God has been so faithful over the years. I think that I can sometimes expect Him to so badly want the sin, lies and fears out of me that He'll remove them like a surgeon not using anesthetic. He doesn't do that, but neither does He give in to my whining and pleading to keep things that aren't from Him. He very gently takes my hand and walks me through the whole process.

In this case, He exposed how I had attached my identity to the lies that Satan, life events, and sometimes other people had told me about myself. Remember how I described those lies as being friends? I'm the kind of person that is pretty loyal to her friends, and also pretty proud to have them in her life. I treated these lies the same way. If God would pull me away into His truth and the lie jumped up to pull me back, my loyalty would kick in. I would think, "Oh yeah. Life experience and relationship [with the lie] have taught me that I'm supposed to be like this, or act like that." And if God, or anyone else, tried to speak truth into that area, I would feel offended, thinking, "Hey! That's me you're talking about!" unable to separate myself (who God declares me to be) from the lie. I wore the lie with pride and, like an old tattoo it seemed forever imbedded in me.

I'll say it again: God is so faithful! He's never given up on me. Even when I haven't known exactly what He's been doing and even though I haven't always been on board with His methods, He has been hunting down those filthy little lies and killing them one by one. His chief weapon has been a massive sword of love, followed very quickly by a powerful punch-in-the-face of truth, sending it into oblivion. (That's how I like to imagine God fighting.) Many battles have been won and I can honestly say that God has, and still is, transforming my identity. Not only am I no longer friends with the lies, but I grow in my hatred of them day by day. I don't know for sure how many still remain, but God does and He is faithful to complete the work that He starts! (Philippians 1:6)

In many ways, exposing the lies and replacing them with truth has only been the beginning of this massive identity transformation. God has also been showing me how my response to the lies and hurts of my past have many times been sinful and have led me into patterns of sinful thinking and behavior. But I no longer fear the exposure like I did in the past. I'm grateful that God doesn't leave me wallowing in the muck. Now the question is, am I going to let Him pick me up and carry me out of it, or am I going to try and do this one on my own?

...to be continued...

Going Green,
Samantha

A few years ago, God showed me a picture of what He was doing in my life. He showed me how He was decimating the city that Hurt, Betrayal and Lies had built in my heart: not just a little, fortified stronghold, but a well-established, industrious city. The scene looked like one out of a World War II movie and the bombings of Germany. God had torn down things in me from which I never thought I would be free. However, the war didn't end there. There were survivors that needed to be found out and destroyed. I saw God slowly shining His search-light of truth and conviction into every crevice of the dark and dusty rubble of this thing that once had such power in my life. Imagining that light passing over every inch of my heart sent a shiver of shame and fear down my spine and left me with a feeling of utter nakedness.

It was then that I realized how at home I had felt living in that city. Sure it was a horrible place, but it was all I knew. I had made friends with the lies and made peace with the pain. I had developed a pretty successful lifestyle of hiding their existence when I was around other people. It was almost like driving to the quiet, peaceful suburbs for work, but always returning at the end of the day to the darkness, despair and bondage of the home these "friends" had built for me.

I didn't need to dig very deep to find that place in my heart where I knew these things were no good for me. Nevertheless, something in me wanted to leave things as they were. I was happy to have the city itself in ruins, but was equally happy to let my surviving "buddies" stay where they were. God wasn't having it. He knew that even if one stubborn, manipulative lie was left, it would one day stand up and declare, "We will rebuild!" And so the search-light continued its probing.

But why was this so difficult? Why did I want to hold onto these remnants of pain and lies that had tormented me for so long? What was keeping me from eagerly running into the light, knowing it would bring complete freedom? It's like I said, we were friends! I had welcomed them in and given them access to so much of my life long before I even realized what I was doing. We had lived together for a long time and I didn't know how to live without them. They would bring me all the comfort that only a self-loathing pity party could, and would protect me about as well as a pimp. Their exposure meant my exposure. And it felt as if their destruction would mean my destruction.

...to be continued...

Going Green,
Samantha

I apologize for not posting earlier this week. As some of you know, I work for Newfrontiers USA and we've been very busy this week getting ready for our Equipped for Mission conference!

This conference is my favorite of all the ones we have each year and I'll tell you why....

This is our annual leadership conference, which means 95% of the people attending the conference are leaders in their local church in some capacity or another. This gives everything a different feel and a different perspective that I love seeing. There's something about seeing a room of 300 leaders worshiping God together that gives me goosebumps. I feel my gaze being lifted off of my own circumstances and issues when I hear the testimonies and hopes of what God is doing in our family of churches all over the country. I feel challenged and, oftentimes convicted of petty navel-gazing, or prideful withholding of the gifts God has put in me as I watch leaders ministering to other leaders and hear their passionate vision of the Kingdom of God being established in their home towns and around the world.

I've been in the church all my life. I've been a Christian for 28 years (holy moly!). I've been entrusted with various responsibilities - many times in leadership capacities of some kind - throughout the past 20-ish years. I never want to get to a point in my life where I think I've learned it all, or know everything that God is doing in and around me. I want to continue to run hard after God and everything that He has for me. These leaders that I'm about to spend the next 3 days with are a very real inspiration to me. I feel myself beginning to tear up as I think about how grateful I am to have such amazing and godly men & women to follow.

How can we ever think we can successfully walk this life alone? Thank you, God, for these leaders you've put into place (Romans 13:1)!

(I'm hoping to get to post more during the conference this week - if I have time and internet connection.)

Going Green,
Samantha

Webster's dictionary defines a 'psalm' as, " a sacred song or poem used in worship."

After beginning to work through a particularly deep and somewhat painful part of my life, I was encouraged to write a psalm about what God has been doing in me. It was an extremely beneficial exercise and I've found that I'm really holding onto this psalm as God & I continue to walk along in this phase of the journey. It really has been something that - when I go back and read it, or even when bits of it just come to my mind - leads me to worship God and thank him for what he's rescued me out of, and what he's saved me into. Writing a psalm about where God has you at the moment, is something I would highly recommend. This is the psalm of my life for right now:

I threw myself into a deep pit
And broke my legs when I landed
Incapacitated and in pain
But I didn't want your help

The rain began to fall
The pit began to fill with water
Struggling and drowning
Yet I still didn't want your help

I rolled around in the mud
Thinking it would protect me from the heat of the sun
Scorched by the sun, the mud caked to my skin
Clothing me in the evidence of my shame and pride
And masking my face; hiding the fact that I once looked like you
Burnt and filthy
Yet I still didn't want your help

My enemies gathered around the pit
And stoned me with lies
They shouted:
"He's given up on you"
"You've failed one too many times"
"You might as well just walk away from him"
"You deserve every bad thing that's happened to you"
"You'll never get out of this pit"
Crushed and defeated
I lay.

But you, my God
You rescued me

Despite my sin, you searched for me
You called my name
You chased away all my enemies
And lifted me out of the pit
You breathed your life into my lungs

You caused the rain to fall
Not to drown, but to cleanse
Washing away the sins that clung to me
And distorted who you made me to be

You caused the sun to shine
Not to burn, but to warm
Enveloping me in your forgiveness and mercy

But you didn't fix my legs
Instead you carried me
In your arms
What did I do to deserve this grace?

In answer, you pull my head against your chest
And I can hear the rhythm of your heart

Not a heart that I created
Or a heart that I can control
But a heart whose every beat says,
"I love you"

Father, carry me wherever you want
I am utterly defeated by your love.

Going Green,
Sam

Sorry for taking so long to post this last one! Things got busy this week as me and many friends were preparing for a wedding that took place last night. Elijah Stanley and Anna Miles (now Stanley) tied the knot! It was a great night. Everything about the ceremony and reception completely reflected their personalities. We had a fantastic time of worship; there was tons of laughter and maybe a few tears; it was so evidently bathed in love. All in all - a very successful wedding! I'm very happy for them both.

As a single lady, weddings can sometimes be difficult. It can be tempting to give in to feelings of despair and desperation, or even lies about being alone or unlovely. I'm very happy to say that didn't happen at the Stanley wedding, but it's certainly something I've experienced in the past.

God showed me at one point that what my heart is longing for is not necessarily the wedding; the groom waiting at the end of the aisle for no one but me. What my heart is really wanting is the kind of love and commitment that symbolizes. There's something unmistakably glorious to know that you've been chosen - handpicked out of everyone to receive a love that will stand by you no matter what; challenge you to change into a better person; protect you from harm. The absolutely wonderful thing is... I have that kind of love and commitment from Jesus! He chose me! He didn't have to, but he did. He looked around the whole world and saw me, reached into my heart and completely consumed me in his love.

This last song that I want to share with you is one that God sang to me as I listened to it on the radio on the way to work one morning. Every word popped out as God's words directly to me. The DJ might as well have come on air at the end of the song and said, "That one was dedicated to Samantha from Jesus." It's by Celine Dion (bear with me if you don't normally like her music) and I think it shows a pretty good picture of how God allows himself to love me and want to be with me and even need me, even though there's no reason that he has to do any of those things.

I want to the be face you see when you close your eyes
I want to be the touch you need every single night
I want to be your fantasy
And be your reality
And everything between

I want you to need me like the air you breathe
I want you to feel me in everything
I want you to see me in your every dream
The way that I taste you, feel you, breathe you, need you
I want you to need me
Like I need you

I want to be the eyes that look deep into your soul
I want to be the world to you, I just want it all
I want to be your deepest kiss
The answer to your every wish
And all you ever need

I want you to need me like the air you breathe
I want you to feel me in everything
I want you to see me in your every dream
The way that I taste you, feel you, breathe you, need you
I want you to need me

Cause I need you, more than you could know
And I need you to never, ever let me go
And I need to be deep inside your heart
I just want to be everywhere you are

I want you to need me like the air you breathe
I want you to feel me in everything
I want you to see me in your every dream
Cause baby, I taste you, feel you, breathe you, need you
I want you to need me
Like I need you


Going green,

Samantha

I'm no sailor, however I do have a little experience with boats. Some friends have a house right on the lake and they're kind enough to invite people out to spend the whole day on the lake. It's fabulous! We'll often load everyone onto the boat and find some peaceful cove where we can all jump out and swim. I remember the last time we were there, we found a great spot to swim, dropped anchor and everyone started getting in the water. Very soon someone noticed that the anchor wasn't holding and the boat was beginning to drift. Not only was there danger of a run-away boat clocking some poor swimmer on the head, but if no one was paying attention, it could have drifted far enough away that we would have all been left to chase after it. Luckily, that wasn't the case. We found a place that the anchor would hold.

So, I may not be a sailor, but I understand that an anchor is important. I love the verse in Hebrews 6 that says, "This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil, where Jesus has entered as a forerunner for us, having become a high priest forever in the order of Melchizedek." (vs. 19 & 20) God is always so faithful to remind me of the promises he's given me. I was just reading in a devotional book a friend gave me. One of the entries is talking about Jacob from a couple verses in Genesis and it says, "He began by quoting God's promise: "You said." He did so twice ([verses] 9 and 12). Ah, he has got God in his power then! God puts Himself within our reach in His promises; and when we can say to Him, "You said," He cannot say no. He must do as He has said.... Be sure in prayer to get your feet well on a promise; it will give you purchase enough to force open the gates of heaven, and to take it by force." (From Streams in the Desert)

One of the ultimate promises that I get excited about, is the promise that we will one day see God face to face! It doesn't matter what's going on in my life: big things, little things, good and bad - I have this hope that I can anchor in the character of Jesus, and what's more stable than that?

The song that I want to share with you today is one that always gets me excited about this hope. It's an instrumental song, so I'm going to give you this link to it. The song is called "Making Ready" and whenever I listen to it, I see pictures play out in my head of a King and his right-hand men galloping through the countryside, returning home after a long time away. In the meantime, all the servants at the house are excitedly getting things ready for his return. I know that not everyone will hear/see these same things when they listen to the song (some of you may not even like it very much), but I hope that it encourages you to a) look for God to speak to you in everyday things like songs, movies, nature, etc. and, b) remember the hope that we have in Jesus: a firm, strong, stable hope that anchors us to God through the promise of one day standing before him face to face!

(If for some reason the link to the song doesn't work, I apologize. It's by Don Potter, if you'd like to look it up.)

Going green,

Sam

Well, hello there! I'm going to start the way all my blogging colleagues have and introduce myself. My name is Samantha Bryan, but most people call me Sam. I've lived in St. Louis, Missouri for about 5 1/2 years and have been apart of Jubilee Church for that same amount of time. I love God with all my heart and I'm so, so grateful that he's put me in the Jubilee family. My time here has certainly been some of the best years of my life. In just a couple months, I'm going to turn 35, which I think gives me the distinction of being the oldest Green-Light writer!

I love music! I'm a musician - not professionally, but I play several instruments and love to sing. There's nearly always a song of some sort going through my head and I tend to hear music and rhythms all around me in everyday things: car horns honking, chairs squeaking, the tonal whine of the copier, people's footsteps and the cadence of their words. So I guess it's no wonder God often speaks to me through songs. This week, I'd like to share with you three songs that God has used to speak to me about faith, hope and love (talked about in 1 Corinthians 13:13.)

This first song bolsters my faith whenever I sing it to myself. It's something God reminded me of a few years ago and I felt like I heard him singing it to me when I was having a particularly hard time waiting for my husband and watching others around me find that happiness that I so badly wanted. Keep in mind that I'm 34 years old and have never had a boyfriend. Believe me when I say that there have been times that my faith has faltered. But thank Jesus that he remains faithful to his word and his promises even when I feel ready to throw them back in his face out of frustration and impatience - which really just boils down to a lack of faith and trust in him that he really will do what he says he'll do. That's exactly what this song reminds me of - God's faithfulness to fulfill his purposes in my life. His faithfulness stirs up my faith in him.

If you don't know me very well then the source of this song is probably going to make you scratch your head, but I'm OK with that. It's from the Disney movie "The Rescuers" - a childhood favorite of mine. I hope that God will use this to dissolve any unbelief you may have towards his ability to fulfill the promises he's given you in the same way that he continues to use it to do just that in me as well.

Be brave, little one
Make a wish for each sad, little tear
Hold your head up though no one is near
Someone's waiting for you

Don't cry, little one
Ther'll be a smile where a frown used to be
You'll be part of the love that you see
Someone's waiting for you

Always keep a little prayer in your pocket
And you're sure to see the light
Soon ther'll be joy and happiness
And your little world will be bright

Have faith, little one
'Til your hope and your wishes come true
You must try to be brave, little one
Someone's waiting to love you

I'd like to tag on here at the end that whenever God sings this to me, or I sing it to myself, I'm always quick to remember not only God's promise to me of a husband, but that I never have to wait to be loved. God's promise of his own love for me is enough of a driving factor to spur me on in faith! (But that's something I'll get into a little more in my last post of the week.)

Have faith, little one!

Going green,

Sam

Hello, dear readers!

I'm excited to let you know that this space will soon be a happening spot again! On Monday, our new blogging schedule begins and we'll have fresh posts for you to read. On the right, you can see the lineup of bloggers for 2011/12, and let me tell you--they are a fun, passionate, Jesus-loving bunch of ladies! Be sure to join our Facebook group, too, and stay up-to-date on all things GREEN-LIGHT. Have a great weekend, and I'll see you Monday!

Going Green!

Lynn Fleshman