Okay, girls. You know you've got one. It might be scribbled out in your journal or it might be a document hidden on your laptop under some inconspicuous file name like "2005 Tax Return." Or perhaps you've got it tucked away in the back of your mind; you've never written it out, but its existence is a reality. I'm talking about The List. Your numbered/bulleted/organized by order of importance list of qualities that your future husband must possess. Because a girl's got to have standards, right? Right?!
I have not only had a list, I've had multiple lists. I drafted the first one around age 18, and it included essential items like, "He must have icy blue eyes, coal black hair, and know how to play all my favorite songs on guitar." This list also happened to perfectly describe the guy I liked at the time...hmmmm. Anyway, I threw out that list and eventually wrote a new, more mature one. This list was all about how my dreamboat of a future husband would respect me, understand me, adore me. Then, somewhere in my early twenties, I switched from a list of qualities to a list of questions I would use to quiz all my potential suitors. This list was not only mature, it was theological. "How do you view the roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives? How would you describe the function of the local church in carrying out God's mission? If John Piper and NT Wright had an arm-wrestling match, who would win?" I had a formula: look for the right qualities + ask the right questions = awesome dude on bended knee with sparkly jewelry.
My evolving lists reflected some misunderstandings I had about relationships. First, I was relying on The List and not the Holy Spirit to guide me to the right guy. I thought that if I perfected the method, I could guarantee the results. I don't think that's true anymore. I am less concerned with methods and more concerned with learning to recognize the voice of my Maker. Through conversations with women whose marriages I admire, through talking to and listening to my Lord, and through observation of leaders I respect, I am carving out a profile of my future husband. It's not terribly specific at this point, but I am determined not to fill in the gaps myself, and slowly, a picture is forming in my mind.
Secondly, I used to spend a lot of time thinking about the kind of husband I wanted to have but not the kind of wife I wanted to be. When I listed out my expectations for this poor guy, I never once made a list of what I expected of myself. I believe God has a husband in mind for me, but the who/when/where is all in his hands. I can't make Mr. Right materialize; I do, however, have some control over how I spend my time between now and the day he knocks on my door. I'm praying that God will make me into a woman who will be a blessing to this man and our family. I'm asking God to help me prepare for the future, which he knows perfectly and I only know dimly.
If you flipped through my journal these days, there wouldn't be a list in sight (well, maybe a grocery list). You would find some quotes from the Psalms, some urgent prayers, and some old hymns. God is helping me learn to trust Him with my hopes and my heart. He knows what is best for me and has promised to do me good all the days of my life, single days and married days.
Going green!
Lynn Fleshman
I have not only had a list, I've had multiple lists. I drafted the first one around age 18, and it included essential items like, "He must have icy blue eyes, coal black hair, and know how to play all my favorite songs on guitar." This list also happened to perfectly describe the guy I liked at the time...hmmmm. Anyway, I threw out that list and eventually wrote a new, more mature one. This list was all about how my dreamboat of a future husband would respect me, understand me, adore me. Then, somewhere in my early twenties, I switched from a list of qualities to a list of questions I would use to quiz all my potential suitors. This list was not only mature, it was theological. "How do you view the roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives? How would you describe the function of the local church in carrying out God's mission? If John Piper and NT Wright had an arm-wrestling match, who would win?" I had a formula: look for the right qualities + ask the right questions = awesome dude on bended knee with sparkly jewelry.
My evolving lists reflected some misunderstandings I had about relationships. First, I was relying on The List and not the Holy Spirit to guide me to the right guy. I thought that if I perfected the method, I could guarantee the results. I don't think that's true anymore. I am less concerned with methods and more concerned with learning to recognize the voice of my Maker. Through conversations with women whose marriages I admire, through talking to and listening to my Lord, and through observation of leaders I respect, I am carving out a profile of my future husband. It's not terribly specific at this point, but I am determined not to fill in the gaps myself, and slowly, a picture is forming in my mind.
Secondly, I used to spend a lot of time thinking about the kind of husband I wanted to have but not the kind of wife I wanted to be. When I listed out my expectations for this poor guy, I never once made a list of what I expected of myself. I believe God has a husband in mind for me, but the who/when/where is all in his hands. I can't make Mr. Right materialize; I do, however, have some control over how I spend my time between now and the day he knocks on my door. I'm praying that God will make me into a woman who will be a blessing to this man and our family. I'm asking God to help me prepare for the future, which he knows perfectly and I only know dimly.
If you flipped through my journal these days, there wouldn't be a list in sight (well, maybe a grocery list). You would find some quotes from the Psalms, some urgent prayers, and some old hymns. God is helping me learn to trust Him with my hopes and my heart. He knows what is best for me and has promised to do me good all the days of my life, single days and married days.
Going green!
Lynn Fleshman
May 10, 2010 at 1:23 PM
Lynn, you are amazing. Thanks for this post :)
...2005 tax return? ...arm-wrestling? exactly why I enjoy your friendship so much.
May 10, 2010 at 2:10 PM
Ha ha! Thank YOU, Amie Fox!
Not that I have any private documents on my laptop disguised with inconspicuous titles like 2005 Tax Return....I totally made that up for this post.... ;)
May 13, 2010 at 6:02 AM
Lynn, this is excellent--in my teen years, I definetly made a list or two (or more most likely) about what I wanted in a Godly guy, because "I wasn't going to settle for anything less than a quality, Godly guy because I am a daughter of a kind blah blah blah" which, yes, is all right and true..but I never thought of making a list about what I wanted to be FOR that guy. This is challenging for me to think of the expectations I should have for myself in terms of being a servant and blessing, and to devote time in seeking God about how I should be, not just how my husband should be. Thank you!
May 13, 2010 at 2:14 PM
Hey, Martha! I can identify with you. I think the motivation behind all of that girly list-making is probably good--we don't want to let ourselves get so swept away by a desire for marriage that we would marry just about anybody, so we set standards before our emotions can take over. Nothing wrong with that. But I think I got lost in the list and really needed to say, "OK, Lord, who do you want me to marry? And what can I do now that will make me a blessing to him later?"
I'm really glad that God turned my thinking around on this one, and I'm glad that he is challenging all of us to prepare to bless our future families!
May 18, 2010 at 12:04 AM
You are absolutely right Lynn! We often focus too much on our List of the qualities we would like our future husband to have but we forget about what women we should become in the relationship. i really enjoyed reading and you have given me a lot to think and pray about. thanks! :D
May 19, 2010 at 11:38 PM
I will keep this post to read again and again.
Thank you for your insight...and honesty!
And I don't know what you're talking about...2005 Tax Return....it's called - "Cosas Importantes" (that's Important Stuff in Spanish...) : D
May 20, 2010 at 9:48 AM
Thanks for the positive feedback, girls! You know, even though I wrote this, it's convicting to me to read back over it and consider again what I feel like God is saying to me in this area. Lord, train us to recognize your voice, and let your voice be louder than all the others!