A few years ago, God showed me a picture of what He was doing in my life. He showed me how He was decimating the city that Hurt, Betrayal and Lies had built in my heart: not just a little, fortified stronghold, but a well-established, industrious city. The scene looked like one out of a World War II movie and the bombings of Germany. God had torn down things in me from which I never thought I would be free. However, the war didn't end there. There were survivors that needed to be found out and destroyed. I saw God slowly shining His search-light of truth and conviction into every crevice of the dark and dusty rubble of this thing that once had such power in my life. Imagining that light passing over every inch of my heart sent a shiver of shame and fear down my spine and left me with a feeling of utter nakedness.
It was then that I realized how at home I had felt living in that city. Sure it was a horrible place, but it was all I knew. I had made friends with the lies and made peace with the pain. I had developed a pretty successful lifestyle of hiding their existence when I was around other people. It was almost like driving to the quiet, peaceful suburbs for work, but always returning at the end of the day to the darkness, despair and bondage of the home these "friends" had built for me.
I didn't need to dig very deep to find that place in my heart where I knew these things were no good for me. Nevertheless, something in me wanted to leave things as they were. I was happy to have the city itself in ruins, but was equally happy to let my surviving "buddies" stay where they were. God wasn't having it. He knew that even if one stubborn, manipulative lie was left, it would one day stand up and declare, "We will rebuild!" And so the search-light continued its probing.
But why was this so difficult? Why did I want to hold onto these remnants of pain and lies that had tormented me for so long? What was keeping me from eagerly running into the light, knowing it would bring complete freedom? It's like I said, we were friends! I had welcomed them in and given them access to so much of my life long before I even realized what I was doing. We had lived together for a long time and I didn't know how to live without them. They would bring me all the comfort that only a self-loathing pity party could, and would protect me about as well as a pimp. Their exposure meant my exposure. And it felt as if their destruction would mean my destruction.
...to be continued...
Going Green,
Samantha
It was then that I realized how at home I had felt living in that city. Sure it was a horrible place, but it was all I knew. I had made friends with the lies and made peace with the pain. I had developed a pretty successful lifestyle of hiding their existence when I was around other people. It was almost like driving to the quiet, peaceful suburbs for work, but always returning at the end of the day to the darkness, despair and bondage of the home these "friends" had built for me.
I didn't need to dig very deep to find that place in my heart where I knew these things were no good for me. Nevertheless, something in me wanted to leave things as they were. I was happy to have the city itself in ruins, but was equally happy to let my surviving "buddies" stay where they were. God wasn't having it. He knew that even if one stubborn, manipulative lie was left, it would one day stand up and declare, "We will rebuild!" And so the search-light continued its probing.
But why was this so difficult? Why did I want to hold onto these remnants of pain and lies that had tormented me for so long? What was keeping me from eagerly running into the light, knowing it would bring complete freedom? It's like I said, we were friends! I had welcomed them in and given them access to so much of my life long before I even realized what I was doing. We had lived together for a long time and I didn't know how to live without them. They would bring me all the comfort that only a self-loathing pity party could, and would protect me about as well as a pimp. Their exposure meant my exposure. And it felt as if their destruction would mean my destruction.
...to be continued...
Going Green,
Samantha
December 1, 2011 at 7:48 AM
Samantha... thank you for exposing the work God is doing in your life and heart... this picture is incredibly profound and such a testimony to who God is and how much He loves us. Thank you so much for posting this. WOW.
December 1, 2011 at 10:01 AM
WOW. Samantha, I think others will agree with me when I say we've all experienced something like this at one point or another. I really relate to what your saying, and I think even just reading this gave me a little more clarity & insight. Thank you!
December 1, 2011 at 7:08 PM
Thanks, ladies. :)