OK, Green-Lighters, this one is long so please bear with me! I should have divided it into two posts, but this is the last day of my posting week and I don’t want to leave you hanging. Picking up where I left off, I had just learned that my adorable little dream house would not be my adorable little dream house after all. I was ready to give up on the house hunt altogether and continue renting apartments. Before this house, I’d been looking at listings online and driving by houses for sale daily. Now every house l saw looked ugly and stupid compared to the one that got away. I would never like another house as much as I liked that one. I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to settle for something decent and stop holding out for something delightful. It wouldn’t be wonderful, it wouldn’t be beautiful, it wouldn’t seem like it was designed just for me. I would have to be content with a decent, average house...even if it wasn’t my dream house.
Mentally and emotionally, I tried to sort through my disappointment and put it in it’s proper place, to move on and stiffen the ol’ upper lip. This was especially difficult because in the back of my mind, a voice kept repeating, It’s always going to be like this. Not just with houses, but with men. What you have to offer will never measure up and what you want will be given to someone else. This is the story of your life. You won’t understand why, and you’ll never be enough. I wanted to ignore those thoughts, but given my recent experience, they seemed to ring true. The fear that this record playing in the background of my consciousness might actually be the refrain of my life pained me. I was suffering.
God did not let me stay in that place. I disclosed my hurts and confessed my fears to a dear friend, who accurately identified them as lies from the devil. She exhorted me to stop letting Satan play with my emotions and mess with my head. In hindsight, it's clear that my thoughts were lies in disguise, but at the time...it just felt so true. My friend and I prayed together, and my heart was calmed and quieted. God comforted me, and soon I began to hear another voice, a different refrain, a sweet melody that was not from the pit of hell but from the throne of heaven. I heard God say to me, Don’t interpret your story until you know the end. Don’t decide what everything means until you’ve seen how it all turns out.
This was huge for me. I have an English degree and I’ve been a reader and writer for most of my life. I’m constantly looking for themes, foreshadowing, and symbolism in literature, and that perspective has seeped into the way I look at life. I saw the house I didn’t get as a symbol of the husband I wouldn’t get. The Lord was telling me to take off my literary glasses, look with eyes of faith, and wait for His plan to unfold.
I began looking at listings for houses again. Jotting down addresses, mapping out a route, driving around after work--I picked up my old routine. One of the streets I had spotted early in my house hunt was Oak Ridge Drive. I loved the tree-lined sidewalks, the charming, Crafstman-style houses, the smiling coupes walking their shaggy dogs. When I noticed a couple houses for sale while driving through the neighborhood one day, I looked them up online. They were so far out of my price range I winced. Well, maybe my second house could be on Oak Ridge Drive. Or so I thought...
One day after I had started browsing real estate sites again, I saw a listing for a brick house with blue shutters...located on Oak Ridge Drive. My heart jumped. Priced slightly outside my range, it had been on the market for several months. Hmmm...if the owners were getting anxious, I might have room to negotiate the price. I clicked the link to see more pictures and read the detailed listing. Two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a partial basement, a fireplace (!), a sun room (!), a large yard with a patio (!), and in the photographs I could see built-in bookshelves on either side of the fireplace and french doors between the living and dining room. Could it be!? ANOTHER dream house?! I dialed my realtor and scheduled a viewing.
It was clear that this house had not been taken care of in a long time. Walking through the rooms, I was careful not to touch anything. It was covered in a thick layer of grease and dirt, and the smell of cigarette butts and...other kinds of butts...hung in the air. The yard hadn’t been mowed nor the leaves raked in years. Still, everywhere I looked, I saw potential. I could paint everything, clean this, repair that. It needed a lot of work, but I felt like the house was designed for me. It had so many features I loved: glass doors on kitchen cabinets, built-in book shelves, tiled counter tops, hardwood floors, windows with shutters, an open floor plan. In the yard, I found peonies, a cherry blossom tree, a magnolia tree, and a lily pond. More of my favorite things!
My parents came to visit and looked at the house with me. Our consensus was that it would take some hard work, but that this was the house for me. I made an offer, negotiated fiercely, and signed the contract on my sweet little house on September 30, 2010.
Six months later, along with the irises and lilies poking their shoots through the ground in my yard, several lessons are making their way to the surface. There has been disappointment along the way while I wait for a husband. More than once, I’ve thought, This one is so perfect! It’s just the right time, he has all the qualities I’m looking for, and surely I can offer what he wants. This just has to be God’s will! Then it wasn’t, and I was crushed. A period always followed where no other guy measured up. They were all inferior compared to the one that got away. I would then think, I'll just have to settle for an average guy. Obviously, the really great ones are out of reach. He doesn’t have to make my heart go pitter-patter. He doesn’t possess the qualities I admire. He doesn't have to be wonderful, he can just be...okay.
However, I have been encouraged through the story of how I found my house to wait on God and trust him. As well as he knew all that I would need and love in a house, he knows all the things I will need and love in a husband. He will comfort me through however many disappointments are ahead, and I’ll wait for Him to bring him. Won't it be a delightful discovering how well God knows me when I finally meet His choice for me?
Going green!
Lynn
Mentally and emotionally, I tried to sort through my disappointment and put it in it’s proper place, to move on and stiffen the ol’ upper lip. This was especially difficult because in the back of my mind, a voice kept repeating, It’s always going to be like this. Not just with houses, but with men. What you have to offer will never measure up and what you want will be given to someone else. This is the story of your life. You won’t understand why, and you’ll never be enough. I wanted to ignore those thoughts, but given my recent experience, they seemed to ring true. The fear that this record playing in the background of my consciousness might actually be the refrain of my life pained me. I was suffering.
God did not let me stay in that place. I disclosed my hurts and confessed my fears to a dear friend, who accurately identified them as lies from the devil. She exhorted me to stop letting Satan play with my emotions and mess with my head. In hindsight, it's clear that my thoughts were lies in disguise, but at the time...it just felt so true. My friend and I prayed together, and my heart was calmed and quieted. God comforted me, and soon I began to hear another voice, a different refrain, a sweet melody that was not from the pit of hell but from the throne of heaven. I heard God say to me, Don’t interpret your story until you know the end. Don’t decide what everything means until you’ve seen how it all turns out.
This was huge for me. I have an English degree and I’ve been a reader and writer for most of my life. I’m constantly looking for themes, foreshadowing, and symbolism in literature, and that perspective has seeped into the way I look at life. I saw the house I didn’t get as a symbol of the husband I wouldn’t get. The Lord was telling me to take off my literary glasses, look with eyes of faith, and wait for His plan to unfold.
I began looking at listings for houses again. Jotting down addresses, mapping out a route, driving around after work--I picked up my old routine. One of the streets I had spotted early in my house hunt was Oak Ridge Drive. I loved the tree-lined sidewalks, the charming, Crafstman-style houses, the smiling coupes walking their shaggy dogs. When I noticed a couple houses for sale while driving through the neighborhood one day, I looked them up online. They were so far out of my price range I winced. Well, maybe my second house could be on Oak Ridge Drive. Or so I thought...
One day after I had started browsing real estate sites again, I saw a listing for a brick house with blue shutters...located on Oak Ridge Drive. My heart jumped. Priced slightly outside my range, it had been on the market for several months. Hmmm...if the owners were getting anxious, I might have room to negotiate the price. I clicked the link to see more pictures and read the detailed listing. Two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a partial basement, a fireplace (!), a sun room (!), a large yard with a patio (!), and in the photographs I could see built-in bookshelves on either side of the fireplace and french doors between the living and dining room. Could it be!? ANOTHER dream house?! I dialed my realtor and scheduled a viewing.
It was clear that this house had not been taken care of in a long time. Walking through the rooms, I was careful not to touch anything. It was covered in a thick layer of grease and dirt, and the smell of cigarette butts and...other kinds of butts...hung in the air. The yard hadn’t been mowed nor the leaves raked in years. Still, everywhere I looked, I saw potential. I could paint everything, clean this, repair that. It needed a lot of work, but I felt like the house was designed for me. It had so many features I loved: glass doors on kitchen cabinets, built-in book shelves, tiled counter tops, hardwood floors, windows with shutters, an open floor plan. In the yard, I found peonies, a cherry blossom tree, a magnolia tree, and a lily pond. More of my favorite things!
My parents came to visit and looked at the house with me. Our consensus was that it would take some hard work, but that this was the house for me. I made an offer, negotiated fiercely, and signed the contract on my sweet little house on September 30, 2010.
Six months later, along with the irises and lilies poking their shoots through the ground in my yard, several lessons are making their way to the surface. There has been disappointment along the way while I wait for a husband. More than once, I’ve thought, This one is so perfect! It’s just the right time, he has all the qualities I’m looking for, and surely I can offer what he wants. This just has to be God’s will! Then it wasn’t, and I was crushed. A period always followed where no other guy measured up. They were all inferior compared to the one that got away. I would then think, I'll just have to settle for an average guy. Obviously, the really great ones are out of reach. He doesn’t have to make my heart go pitter-patter. He doesn’t possess the qualities I admire. He doesn't have to be wonderful, he can just be...okay.
However, I have been encouraged through the story of how I found my house to wait on God and trust him. As well as he knew all that I would need and love in a house, he knows all the things I will need and love in a husband. He will comfort me through however many disappointments are ahead, and I’ll wait for Him to bring him. Won't it be a delightful discovering how well God knows me when I finally meet His choice for me?
Going green!
Lynn
April 13, 2011 at 10:15 AM
First of all, Lynn, you have such a lovely home, full of hospitality and warmth. It's like an embrace, and I love visiting you.
I have been so encouraged by your story! I'm relieved to know someone else sees through "literary glasses" sometimes instead of spiritual ones. I've noticed that in my life, as well.
At times, I too have felt like my life would ultimately end up disappointing or ordinary, but your story encourages me that God has lovely and kind plans to give me (and you) a future and a hope. <3
April 14, 2011 at 12:18 PM
This blessed me greatly. I love being convicted :)
Lines I loved:
"settle for something decent and stop holding out for something delightful?"
"Dont interpret your story until you know the end."
"Im constantly looking for themes, foreshadowin, and symbolism in my life"
"He knows all the things I need and love in a husband."
"Wont it be delightful discovering how well God knows me when I finally meet His choice for me?..."